


i'm never cold when I'm with you

by sunshyun



Series: i'm fire and he's light [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Chanyeol-centric - Freeform, M/M, angst and fluff yup, so this is the second part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-03 10:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6607009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshyun/pseuds/sunshyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because that's what Byun Baekhyun is, pure light, and it scares Chanyeol that he would be gladly blinded by him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm never cold when I'm with you

**Author's Note:**

> okay, as I promised, here's Chanyeol's part. this is just my second attempt at writing fanfiction in english, so there's that. I hope you like it.

Chanyeol should have known since the moment he fell in love with Byun Baekhyun that his heart would no longer belong to himself. He should have known, all those years back, that meeting the older boy was something that not only would shake his heart, but his entire existence. In just one second, all the memories that were buried in the back of his mind for the sole purpose of not going crazy, hit him. The images and the hurricane of emotions pinned him down, making his chest hurt like he had been struck by lightning.

His hair was black now, the same dark tone that he had when Chanyeol had met him. The last time he saw him, there were blonde bangs over his now free brow. It was maybe the only thing that was different – well, that and the fact the he didn't know what was happening inside the other man's mind, the same one that he had been able to read in the past with just one simply look. It's been a year and a half since he last saw those pretty eyes looking directly at him through a laptop screen, and Chanyeol remembered how at that time he had thought that no one could look so beautiful after working and studying for almost the entire day. He regretted not saying it out loud, like he regretted the conversation by the phone that they both had had the next week. That day, after he had hanged up, Chanyeol ended up walking by the Han river. He saw the most stunning sunset he can remember. He filled his phone with photos of it, because he knew that the older boy would have loved it. He hadn't shown the images to anyone and he hadn't thought about that afternoon in a long, long time, but now he could see the orange burning sky like it was in front of his eyes. And somehow, it was.

Chanyeol should have known that Byun Baekhyun was able to do something like that.

“Hmm, hi, Chanyeol. It’s been a while.” Baekhyun says with a shy smile.

“Ye…” his mouth is dry and he has to pretend to cough a little, so maybe the knot in his throat would disappear and let him speak. “Yeah, it has.” He says finally. Baekhyun looks up at him but when their eyes meet, the black haired turns his head a little. Chanyeol follows his eyes, noticing that Baekhyun is looking at the inside of the apartment. Should he invite him over? "Do you want to come inside?" he asks before his mind can catch up with his mouth. Chanyeol mentally hits himself, because Baekhyun is at his door almost two years later and he could ask the other man a lot of other things before letting him into his life again.

“It’d be nice.”

So he steps aside to let Baekhyun into his apartment and closes the door behind them. He looks at the other man, who is observing the living room, like it’s the first time he’s there, to avoid having to look at Chanyeol again. And it’s totally working. He hasn't changed the room at all since he moved there. In fact, Baekhyun chose the decoration.

“So… when did you came back?” Chanyeol asks. None of his friends have warned him about Baekhyun being back at Seoul.

"Well... " Baekhyun looks at his phone "about... four hours ago."

“Oh.”

The sky out of the window shows no sign of the sun and the light sign of the motel next block has lighted up already. Chanyeol catches pink and yellow in Baekhyun’s cheeks, the two lights dancing along his face like he did with his lips a long time ago. It kind of suits him, Chanyeol thinks, but he definitely prefers the face of the other man painted by the sunset. The colours makes him look almost unreal, and the younger boy pinches his own hand for the hundred time since he opened the door, to reassure him: this is happening.

“It’s just… I've missed you, y’know?” Baekhyun pouts and then he laughs a little, and Chanyeol knows him too well to know that he is nervous. "Sorry. That was... I mean... you've been my best friend for so many years" he pauses "Don't tell Kyungsoo that." Chanyeol feels the tips of his mouth rise a little, and then the other man continues "You know it's been weird, us, and then the fight and... I wasn't planning on coming to see you so unannounced, but then I was walking by Seoul like always and there was something missing so... I ended up here. So… hi." he laughs again "Shit, I sound crazy, right?"

“Just the average.” Chanyeol answers, although he's never thought that for real. Baekhyun was back in Seoul and the first thing he has done is to come and see him. Chanyeol hates how something can be simple and difficult at the same time. He also hates how his heart almost ripped out his chest when Baekhyun said he has missed him, but he tries to ignore that. He doesn't know exactly how he should respond to that, because he doesn't quite understand what is happening. There's an "I missed you too" burning right in his throat, but it dies there, like the sobs did back in the nights when the feeling of the empty spot by his side on the bed was too painful. “Where are you staying?”

"At the Min Hotel until Kyungsoo returns from his film schedule on tuesday, then I'm staying with him."

His eyes follow Baekhyun as the older boy sits on the couch. It’s hard for him not to think about all of the things that have happened in that couch.

“What about you?” Baekhyun speaks again. “I want to know what’s going on in your life.”

Chanyeol thinks about what's been going on in his life. He finished his music mixing course and then started working at Exodus, a concert hall. He’s part of the technical team, and he has to make sure every weekend and some nights of the week that everything’s ready and that the music is going to sound good no matter how bad is the group that is playing. But besides that… There were a lot of nights that he spent crying. There were also a lot of fights with his friends, because they started to get tired of Chanyeol’s behaviour. He still remembers how Kyungsoo had yelled at him one morning, trying to get him out of the bed for Sehun’s birthday party. Kyungsoo told him that he was being pathetic spending his days locked up in his room and that he could live without Baekhyun, just like he did for eighteen years before meeting the older boy. Chanyeol knew he could live fine without Baekhyun. He just didn't wanted to because it did not felt right and it hurt. It hurt so much that he can’t believe now that he survived it. It’s been a year since that incident. Chanyeol went to Sehun’s party, and he started to carry on with his life.

“Yeol?” Baekhyun asks.

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun. What is he doing? What exactly are they doing? He no longer feels the warmth on his chest, it has been replaced with a heavy weight, one thing that Chanyeol knows too well. The air in his lungs is starting to feel almost too thick, and it’s just how it felt when Baekhyun said that he was right that night. Chanyeol almost dropped the phone, because he wasn't expecting that answer. All he needed was Baekhyun to reassure him, to make him feel like everything would be alright, to tell him that yes, it was hard to be apart, and yes, it would hurt sometimes. Chanyeol needed Baekhyun to tell him that their story would not have a sad ending.

but that didn't happen. And now he’s there, sitting on the couch, smiling at him and asking about his life, about the days Chanyeol spent working on being okay again. Being okay without him. It isn’t fair.

“Sorry I… I actually have something to do, Baek.” He says, staring at his shoes. “Maybe another time, yeah?” he adds to be polite.

“Oh. Sure, another time.” Baekhyun gets off the couch and heads towards the door, but he stops by Chanyeol before. He lifts his arm, like he wants to touch him, but in the end his arm drops again. “Sorry.”

Chanyeol only shakes his head. He can't move. He feels like if he does, he would fall to the floor and Kyungsoo is not in the city to come and get him, maybe yell at him some more. Chanyeol hears how Baekhyun shuts the door behind him, leaving him alone like he was before.

A few minutes later, there’s a lightning. It makes Chanyeol release the breath he didn't know he was holding. He looks at the window.

There's a storm coming.

 

*

 

The rain cleaned the thin air and the filthy streets. The clouds left, leaving behind them a bright blue sky. Chanyeol is staring right at it through the window of his favourite coffee shop, feeling a little jealous of it. Because inside his mind there are still peals of thunder, and the strong wind is shaking up even the last fibre of his body.

“He showed up at my house, unannounced, saying that he missed me and that he wanted to know about my life. Can you believe it?”

“Yes, Chanyeol, I heard you the first twenty times that you’ve said it.” Sehun takes another bite at the piece of cake he was supposed to be sharing with the other man. “I think we can move past it, it’s not like Baekhyun being unpredictable and shameless is something completely new. In fact, I though you liked that.”

“Shut up.”

“I’d like to talk about how you invited him inside your apartment and then you made him leave like, what? Five minutes later?”

“Oh Sehun” Chanyeol sighs “Could you act like a real friend? You’re supposed to make me feel better.”

“Does knowing that Baekhyun’s back makes you feel better?”

The question takes Chanyeol by surprise. Since the incident with the older boy last night Chanyeol hasn’t been able to think about anything else. He knows there are good things and bad things, but he needs to see the situation as a whole to answer Sehun’s question. During last year, Baekhyun to him has been cold nights, lonely walks and unfinished songs. But Baekhyun was also warm cuddles, stolen kisses, late-night conversations, and adventures that ended up with the two of them lost in the city.

“I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

Chanyeol doesn't realize he has said that out loud until Sehun's inquiry. He doesn't answer, and this time Sehun acts like the real friend he is -more like a younger brother to Chanyeol, but he will never admit it- and he doesn't push Chanyeol on the subject anymore. Instead they talk about Sehun’s exams and how it’s too obvious that Kyungsoo has a big crush on one of his co-stars, a dancer named Jongin who just debuted with his first role in a movie. Baekhyun’s “I’ve missed you” from last night was on the back of his head all the time like a shadow, but Sehun makes him laugh and stop worrying about the future of his heart during a joyful hour. Chanyeol has a night shift in Exodus so he and Sehun leave the coffe shop soon, each of them taking their way home.

The last rays of sun walk by Chanyeol along the vivid streets of the city. Seoul's getting prepared for the night. So is he, wishing that a quick shower and a busy night at work would clean his mind like the wind does with the autumn leaves.

Turns out it doesn’t work. The colourful lights of the stage only remind him about the yellow and pink in Baekhyun’s cheeks and when he listens to one of the singers making a high note the older boy is haunting him again. It’s not his fault that Baekhyun has actually a really nice voice, but Chanyeol thinks he’s cursed.

It’s past three in the morning when he snaps. He rolls on the bed until he’s facing the left side of the mattress, where Baekhyun used to sleep.

_“I’m afraid.”_

_“Of what?”_

He’s afraid because knowing that Baekhyun is back does makes him feel better indeed. He’s afraid because he doesn’t know if it should be like that after what happened. He’s afraid of another goodbye. He’s afraid because he knows that he could live just fine without Baekhyun. He just doesn’t want to.

Chanyeol stares at the ceiling during a long time, trying to sort out his feelings in the messy hurricane of emotions he got himself into. When he closes his eyes, breathing in the dark, all he can see are sunsets, bright orange skies decorated by gold and light in the windows of black tall buildings. Because that's what Byun Baekhyun is, pure light, and it scares Chanyeol that he would be gladly blinded by him.

 

*

 

It was a bad idea. Or maybe it was a good one. It was probably both at the same time. The thing is, Chanyeol is standing in front of Kyungsoo’s building because he wants to, no, he _needs_ to see Baekhyun. Just like the older boy a week ago, Chanyeol has come unannounced and without a plan, but with his heart on his hands beating as fast as the first time he made Baekhyun laugh. He takes the elevator to the fifth floor and knocks on the door that he remembers it’s Kyungsoo’s. His friend opens the door and grabs him by the shirt, pulling him inside of the loft.

“It was about damn time.” Kyungsoo says as he shoves him into the living room.

“What the fuck Soo.”

Chanyeol recognizes one of Baekhyun's pullovers on the couch spread among other clothes. It is enough to make him feel nervous and something inside of him just wants to turn around and run. But Kyungsoo’s next words stop him from doing it.

“Where’s Baekhyun?”

Chanyeol blinks, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“He left hours ago saying he was going to see you. He didn’t?” Chanyeol freezes. He shakes his head. “Then where is he? He’s not picking up his phone and I thought it was because he was with you.” Kyunsoo points at him and then realizes something. “Why are you here then?”

“I…” Chanyeol’s mind is spacing out thinking about what his friend just said. “I came to see him.”

“You two, I swear.” Kyungsoo grabs his phone and after looking something he raises it to his ear. “Well, Baekhyun’s actually worse. He just doesn’t stop talking about you, _even when he sleeps_. At least you were quiet in your mourn, but he spends all day pouting every time I look at him and making stupid sad noises. You know you hurt him bad, do you?” He lowers his arm and mutters something about the other boy still not picking up.

“What?” Chanyeol welcomes back the heavy weight on his chest.

“Chanyeol” Kyungsoo’s voice is low. The way he said his name makes Chanyeol look at him. His friend is serious, like most of the time, but there’s something else, something Chanyeol can’t recognize. He wonders if it has anything to do with Baekhyun staying with him all these days. He definitely doesn’t like it. “It was you who said that things weren’t working. Besides, you had us, remember? We were by your side even you didn’t deserve it. What did he have? nothing. He was alone in another country. I know you are not over him.” Kyungsoo says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the entire universe. To say that Chanyeol’s not over Baekhyun is like saying that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. Even when no one can see it because of the clouds, everyone knows that the sun is there, just like everyone knows that Chanyeol still loves the other man. “You haven't dated anyone since the break up and here you are now, with that stupid look on your face that says _I love Baekhyun_ so why don't you do us and yourself a favor and go look for him? Maybe tell him that you were stupid when you said that the relationship wasn't working out and that you didn't want to break up, you just were sad and said the wrong thing.”

 

*

 

Seoul’s night is bright but none of its lights matter to Chanyeol. He's rushing through the streets, almost out of breath, looking for the only person that can light up his life. He’s burning all his fears and all the "what ifs" as he runs, crushing all the walls that he built up to make sure that he'd never feel pain again. He stops by the bridge and allows himself to breathe a little. His eyes focus now on finding the other man and it’s not difficult at all because he knows too well what he’s looking for.

Chanyeol knows that that bench is the favourite spot of Baekhyun in the entire city. It is also the place when he said he loved him for the first time. His lips rise into a wide smile when he sees him.

The moonlight is caressing his hair softly, in a way that it reminds Chanyeol of the city lights playing on the surface of the river. The black locks of hair appear to be silver now, and Baekhyun almost looks unreal, like he's not really there and Chanyeol is making everything up on his mind.

But when he slides by his side on the bench, taking the same spot he used to, his thighs collide slightly, and he's aware that it is happening. _And that it is real._ Chanyeol doesn't say anything, and neither does Baekhyun. At first they just remain silent, but after a few minutes they start to speak without words. There's an "I'm glad you’ve found me" in the way Baekhyun's pinky brushes Chanyeol's. When Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun's left hand, he hopes that the other man knows he's saying "I'm sorry for the other day." They stay like that, breathing the fresh air and staring at the skyline like they’ve done countless times.

“Baekhyun” He looks at their hands. “When I said those things that night...” Chanyeol feels how Baekhyun stiffens at his words, but he has to say them. He should have said them a long time ago.  “I think I was just mad at myself because I didn't know how to live without you.” His thumb presses slightly the palm of Baekhyun’s hand.

After what if feels like an eternity to Chanyeol, Baekhyun speaks.

“And now?”

Chanyeol turns to look at Baekhyun and he catches a glimpse of the other man’s upper lip mole before he looks at him directly in the eyes.

“I do. But I don’t want to.”

It's Baekhyun who closes the gap between them. There are still too many things unsaid, too many emotions caged up and too many hopes and fears. But none of them matter now, because the two of them have dreamt about this moment during sad and lonely nights, and it’s finally happening. Chanyeol tilts his head to make the kiss deeper, and Baekhyun makes a soft noise that makes his world tremble. It’s like they don’t know how to stop –probably they don’t want to- but Baekhyun pulls back, hands still playing on Chanyeol’s hair like the previous minutes.

“We still have to talk.”

“I know.” Chanyeol sighs.

“But maybe later?” Baekhyun says as he climbs onto Chanyeol’s lap, making himself comfortable in the other man’s arms. He notices something familiar in Chanyeol’s hands. “Is that my pullover?”

“Yes. I took it in case you were cold.”

“I’m never cold when I’m with you.”

The city is the same. There are a few stars defying the light pollution, and the red and yellow dots of the cars lights merge with the dark over the bridge. Hints of a lighter blue are still hanging on the edge of the sky, and Chanyeol realizes they have missed the sunset. But the way Baekhyun breathes on his arms gives him all the strength he needed that cold night months ago. They've missed the sunset today, but they could still watch it tomorrow, and the day after. They stay like that, watching people as they walk between strands of wind, unaware of how everything is different. Chanyeol follows the trace of Baekhyun's eyes to the tall buildings, painted in black against the sky. The lights are on, just as Baekhyun’s mind, probably scheming stories about the dancing silhouettes against the windows. Chanyeol can’t fight the smile on his lips.

He should have known.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading ♡  
> yooggyu.tumblr.com  
> twitter: yooggyu


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